After doing the “Finish It!” course I found myself a little lost, my project has become stale, and I don’t even know where to go from where I currently am.
That’s a lie, I do know where to go from there, I’m just not finding the motivation. I keep asking myself “why”, without a strong answer, my why just dissappeared, I lost it and to be honest I don’t want it back in my life (you probably already guessed it’s a person). Now I just can’t find a why powerful enough to keep me moving forward.
I decided to google it, “How can I find a why, a reason”, google is almost as lost as me but I did find something useful, a phrase that I want to share with you guys “Act as if you are already where you want to be”, really powerful stuff but it wasn’t enough.
Why do I want to be there? I found no answer that could make me stand up. The question rises, What is going on? And who could I ask? Of course my first anwser was a psychiatrist but I’ve been to therapy enough times to know that the answer lies withing me so I asked myself and the answer was quite surprising actually. I’ve been doing stuff I don’t want to do, for instance, I got a small job as a sprite artist just today, I don’t want that… I want to keep working on my projects and stuff, Why did I do that? Because is what is expected from me, to have a job, and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I found out that I’m like freaking lighting, I’m full of energy, I’m all over the place and branch too much but that energy dissapears just as fast as it comes. That’s bad, that’s terrible, and that’s exactly what I’ve been told all my life, to be something I’m not, to be super organized, to focus on one thing, to do this, to do that, all my life has been like that, What I’m supposed to do then?
Very simple answer actually, just freaking be myself, be lighting, I now this sounds like motivational sutff and mystical energies and other things like that, but seriously, that’s why I always failed at school, all my teachers always told me “you do great in tests but you never do your projects nor homework and that’s why you keep failing”, my focus span is pretty small, like super small, but it’s pretty powerful, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do know, work in very small spans, that’s how I finished that “Alice In Wonderland” thing I did for the weekly Blender thingy, I finished it in 30 minutes, and I’m not really good at Blender…
So, I’ll call this Project Self, yes, I like naming stuff because reasons. I’ll pay attention to what my passions are, to my “whys” and be myself, let’s see where that leads me to, I’m actually excited, and that’s something I always negate about myself, I like to experiment things, try new things no matter how weird of exotic those are… All this time my Harry Potter tests was right, I belong in Ravenclaw xD